Over this last week het feminists have taken posts about lesbian loneliness and have rendered them mere whinings of lonely women who want sex.
But that’s not what lesbian loneliness is. Lesbian loneliness is a multi-faced feeling of isolation from not just other women, but society itself.
Everywhere straight women see examples of heterosexual relationships. Happy ones, sad ones, ones where the dog dies and the baby dies and where the all-star football playing son goes to the college of his dreams. Everywhere ads, music, movies, tv shows, plays, musicals, opera, books, fairytales show het relationships. They’re so ubiquitous I wonder if straight women really notice it at all. Lesbians, meanwhile, have manageable lists of the movies, music, plays, and books which include us at all. And we read the same story over and over. Things haven’t really improved since The Well of Loneliness. We’re still out here, struggling, not fitting in, with sexual desires and practices that can’t be named or shown. You don’t feel isolated from other women or society on this basis. Your relationships are supported by all governements, all major religions, all canonical art and literature, and all of history.
Lesbian loneliness is the cutting knife of isolation. Lesbians post about wanting girlfriends and sex, yes, but it’s not merely for romance/sex. Instead, it’s feelings of belonging and a reprieve from severe isolation. When lesbians make posts, other lesbians feel the desire to not have to be isolated alone. Having just one person who shares and understands this isolation is a big deal. Lesbians also make a lot of posts about wanting more lesbians in our lives as friends and mentors and coworkers. We get excited when we see one of us in public. Again because it is a momentary reprieve: there are two of us! I’m not the only one here! Lesbian sex feels at once like a coming home and an irrevocable marker of a profound separation from society. Even in moments which should erase isolation, isolation ends up reinforced.
It’s horrifying to see these “I wish I had a girlfriend” and “I wish I had more lesbian friends” and “I wish I knew any lesbians at my school” posts stripped by straight women of their important secondary meaning. It’s so unbelievably horrifying. But it’s also no surprise. How can someone who has never felt that specific and unrelenting isolation even begin to imagine that it exists? Or the extent to which it impacts lesbians’ lives every day?
Lesbian women know every day what it is to be truly, unrelentingly, alone. That is lesbian loneliness.
